Today I apologized once again.
For no fault of mine. And yet it killed another part in me. I somehow cannot
comprehend the relationship between me and forgiveness.
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| Source: Google Images |
I still remember that one
incident which had defined forgiveness for me in childhood. I must have been
around 7 years old and had done something silly like hitting my younger brother
and lying about it. My mom did not speak to me for 3 days as I refused to
apologise. She ignored me, rather she ensured the whole house did not speak to
me till I gave it and said sorry.
It happened many times after
that. First it began at home and slowly
even in school. Sometimes my mom would let out some bad habit of mine to a
friend asking her to boycott me for what I was. Kids that we were, my friend
did not realise what she was doing. She took it all up in a playful manner and
did exactly what she asked to, hurting me in that process.
Throughout my growing up years
being ignored has been my biggest fear and because of that I see myself saying
sorry more often than needed. Sometimes even at places where I don’t even need
to. But the need, the need to have that person, that relationship and to not be
ignored is so high that I just give in without a second thought to it.
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| Source: Google Images |
People think of me as Ms. Goody
goody two shoes that just keeps smiling and does not hurt anyone. One who is
willing to go that extra mile just to ensure the other person is happy. Over a
period of time this image has started hurting me now. For I have gotten so used
to giving till it hurts. I have forgotten how to say No and most importantly I
have forgotten to listen what I want.
Now everytime I apologise something in me dies for I know I did even
when I was not at fault and it shows my vulnerability as a person towards that
person and relationship. And yet still my biggest fear remains being ignored
and left alone in this world and I continue to apologise to people without any
fault at my end…..